83 highlights · 35 notes · last read July 2025
Highlights I wrote a note on are shown in full. The other 49 are scrambled: the words are the author's, so here you only see where in the book I underlined something.
Diagnosing and labeling people whose struggles are more environmental or learned than genetic or organic is often far more detrimental to healing and change than it is helpful.
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My note Labeling Others morbidity isn't great
For example, when I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary.
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My note Example: looking through the lens of vulnerability onto narcicism
Scarcity thrives in a culture where everyone is hyperaware of lack.
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My note A culture of lack
THE SOURCE OF SCARCITY Scarcity doesn’t take hold in a culture overnight. But the feeling of scarcity does thrive in shame-prone cultures that are deeply steeped in comparison and fractured by disengagement. (By a shame-prone culture, I don’t mean that we’re ashamed of our collective identity, but that there are enough of us struggling with the issue of worthiness that it’s shaping the culture.)
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My note The source of scarcity
Worrying about scarcity is our culture’s version of post-traumatic stress. It happens when we’ve been through too much, and rather than coming together to heal (which requires vulnerability), we’re angry and scared and at each other’s throats.
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My note 2025 scarcity culture is like collective PTSD
The counterapproach to living in scarcity is not about abundance. In fact, I think abundance and scarcity are two sides of the same coin. The opposite of “never enough” isn’t abundance or “more than you could ever imagine.” The opposite of scarcity is enough, or what I call Wholeheartedness.
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My note The opposite of scarcity is "WHOLEHEARTEDLY" instead of "abundance"
Vulnerability is like being naked onstage and hoping for applause rather than laughter. It’s being naked when everyone else is fully clothed. It feels like the naked dream:…
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My note Being naked
research, I thought, Ah, the marble jar. Perfect. I told Ellen to think about her friendships as marble jars. Whenever someone supports you, or is kind to you, or sticks up for you, or honors what you share with them as private, you put marbles in the jar. When people are mean, or disrespectful, or share your secrets, marbles come out.
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My note Trust learning with marble jar
Trust is built one marble at a time.
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My note Trust to be vulnerable around you is built and lost one marble at a time
We may tell a disengaged partner, “You don’t seem to care anymore,” but without “evidence” of this, the response is “I’m home from work every night by six P.M. I tuck in the kids. I’m taking the boys to Little League. What do you want from me?” Or at work, we think, Why am I not getting feedback? Tell me you love it! Tell me it sucks! Just tell me something so I know you remember that I work here!
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My note The absence of brokenness
Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention, and full engagement. Trust isn’t a grand gesture—it’s a growing marble collection.
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My note Trust is a growing marble collection
All of the love and support I received—especially from Steve and Diana, my therapist—allowed me to slowly begin to take more risks, to show up at work and at home in new ways. I took more chances and tried new things, like storytelling. I learned how to set new boundaries and say no, even when I was terrified that I was going to piss off a friend or squander a professional opportunity that I’d regret. So far, I haven’t regretted a single no.
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My note What going together allows
I want to look at Steve and my kids and say, “I’m with you. In the arena. And when we fail, we’ll fail together, while daring greatly.” We simply can’t learn to be more vulnerable and courageous on our own. Sometimes our first and greatest dare is asking for support.
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My note Daring to ask for support
It’s crazy how much energy we spend trying to avoid these hard topics when they’re really the only ones that can set us free.
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My note The energy we spend avoiding that which may set us free
“I’m pretty bad at vulnerability, but I’m really good at shame. Is getting past shame necessary for getting to vulnerability?” “Yes. Shame resilience is key to embracing our vulnerability. We can’t let ourselves be seen if we’re terrified by what people might think. Often ‘not being good at vulnerability’ means that we’re damn good at shame.”
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My note Shame resilience is key to embrace vulnerable
“We all have shame. We all have good and bad, dark and light, inside of us. But if we don’t come to terms with our shame, our struggles, we start believing that there’s something wrong with us—that we’re bad, flawed, not good enough—and even worse, we start acting on those beliefs. If we want to be fully engaged, to be connected, we have to be vulnerable. In order to be vulnerable, we need to develop resilience to shame.”
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My note To be vulnerable we need to become resilient to shame
The allegorical power of Harry Potter lends itself to talking about everything from the struggle between light and dark to the hero’s journey and why vulnerability and love are the truest marks of courage.
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My note Having vocabulary from Harry Potter for example
Having spent so long trying to describe and define unnamed emotions and experiences, I find that Harry Potter has given me a treasure trove of characters, monsters, and images to use in my teaching. For that, I’ll be forever grateful.
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My note Read to gain examples and vocabulary and stories ESPECIALLY for those shameful things that thrive on me not having words for them
“Yes, shame is tough to talk about. But the conversation isn’t nearly as dangerous as what we’re creating with our silence! We all experience shame. We’re all afraid to talk about it. And, the less we talk about it, the more we have it.”
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My note Shame grows from not talking about it
how can we let ourselves be seen if shame has us terrified of what people might think?
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My note How could i be vulnerable if im worried about what others may think?
Sharing something that you’ve created is a vulnerable but essential part of engaged and Wholehearted living. It’s the epitome of daring greatly.
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My note Sharing is the eplitome of DARING GREATLY
In simple terms, if they love it, you’re worthy; if they don’t, you’re worthless.
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My note Sharing is risky because of perceived self-worth
Once you realize that your self-worth is hitched to what you’ve produced or created, it’s unlikely that you’ll share it, or if you do, you’ll strip away a layer or two of the juiciest creativity and innovation to make the revealing less risky. There’s too much on the line to just put your wildest creations out there. If you do share it in its most creative form and the reception doesn’t meet your expectations, you’re crushed. Your offering is no good and you’re no good. The chances of soliciting feedback, reengaging, and going back to the drawing board are slim. You shut down. Shame tells you that you shouldn’t have even tried. Shame tells you that you’re not good enough and you should have known better.
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My note Scenario: not sharing the good stuff because it feels too risky
My note When self-worth is tied to what others could think
With an awareness of shame and strong shame resilience skills, this scenario is completely different. You still want folks to like, respect, and even admire what you’ve created, but your self-worth is not on the table.
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My note Awareness of and resilience changes the GAME!
When our self-worth isn’t on the line, we are far more willing to be courageous and risk sharing our raw talents and gifts.
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My note We share and dare greater when self-worth isnt on the line
shame-resilient cultures nurture folks who are much more open to soliciting, accepting, and incorporating feedback. These cultures also nurture engaged, tenacious people who expect to have to try and try again to get it right—people who are much more willing to get innovative and creative in their efforts.
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My note Shame-resilient systems produce bolder creators
The secret killer of innovation is shame. You can’t measure it, but it is there. Every time someone holds back on a new idea, fails to give their manager much needed feedback, and is afraid to speak up in front of a client
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My note Shame is the Secret killer of risk-taking vulnerabilty
If you want a culture of creativity and innovation, where sensible risks are embraced on both a market and individual level, start by developing the ability of managers to cultivate an openness to vulnerability in their teams. And this, paradoxically perhaps, requires first that they are vulnerable themselves.
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My note Leaders must model shame-resilience
Shame becomes fear. Fear leads to risk aversion. Risk aversion kills innovation.
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My note Shame becomes fear
daring greatly requires worthiness.
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My note Daring needs worthiness
“What are the gremlins saying?” This is a very effective way of asking about the shame tapes—the messages of self-doubt and self-criticism that we carry around in our heads. My
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My note When im not vulnerable: what are the shame gremlins saying?
Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.
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My note Shame has power because of the unspeakable
Shame is the fear of disconnection—it’s the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. I’m not worthy or good enough for love, belonging, or connection. I’m unlovable. I don’t belong.
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My note Shame is fear of winding up alone
Shame is getting laid off and having to tell my pregnant wife. Shame is having someone ask me, “When are you due?” when I’m not pregnant. Shame is hiding the fact that I’m in recovery. Shame is raging at my kids. Shame is bankruptcy. Shame is my boss calling me an idiot in front of the client. Shame is not making partner. Shame is my husband leaving me for my next-door neighbor. Shame is my wife asking me for a divorce and telling me that she wants children, but not with me. Shame is my DUI. Shame is infertility. Shame is telling my fiancé that my dad lives in France when in fact he’s in prison. Shame is Internet porn. Shame is flunking out of school. Twice. Shame is hearing my parents fight through the walls and wondering if I’m the only one who feels this afraid. Shame is real pain.
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My note Shame is pain