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Woke up tired, got out of bed at 9. Feeling like shit. Feeling exhausted and incredibly sad. Sat on the couch yesterday all day. No Dopamine-hits, no scrolling etc. I think that’s the right decision. Same today. I have two interviews. The one I did yesterday was the highlight of my day. Other than that, I didn’t do much. I went shopping and cooked chicken. That was good.

For right now I’m glad I went out for a walk through the park. I wish I could cry it all out. I wish I could cry so that this pain and suffering has a place to be. I looked at that tree that reminds me of me. It has a vine plant creeping up and someone other than me cut that vine. And now there’s a skeleton left of that vine and the tree is growing much better now than last year. I identify with the tree and hope I am in the process of cutting my vine off.

I feel slow and sad and heavy. At least allergies are back to a manageable level. This month sucked ass. It was basically 4 weeks of not sleeping because of allergies, becoming aware of how bad my early “work”-experience was and that I’m a survivor. No one really cares even if I tell them. I have to pay too much money that I don’t have. I feel small and hurt and sad and alone and broke and broken.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been Broke so much. I’m just a nobody with nothing of value. I’m just someone you pass on the street, a somebody who serves you dinner. My life has no meaning anymore. Twenty years of living a lie, lying to myself just to survive. That’s what they call a survivor. I haven’t thrived once in the last Twenty years. I’ve been on the edge of failure, ruin, heart-break and death and I managed to never fall off the rails. No wonder I smoked like a chimney. No wonder.

It wasn’t my fault but it still happened to me.

And now I know why nothing ever worked out for me in the last fucking Twenty years. At least I know now. Getting glasses when you’re short-sighted is great because you start seeing the world clearly. It also shows you the stuff that’s wrong and broken or where you suffered. Clarity sheds a light on everything, the good, the bad and the ugly truths. And so, finally, I’ve been in a position to look at the ugly truths in my life. And the ugly people in my life that made my time miserable and maimed me for the rest of my life. What happened was not okay. It was not appropriate. It was completely inappropriate and wrong. It was wrong.

So, for today, what’s my plan?

• Interview #2 with Dr. Moaz [DONE]
• ???
• Interview #3 with Annika [DONE]
• ???
• ???
• ???
• Call with JN at 6pm: Interview
• Head over to What I love about Franziska Krüger’s at 7pm for dinner
• Get an overview of current finances/expenses

I don’t know yet what comes after the interviews. Gotta make sure I write down my first impressions again. That seemed to be valuable to me and the client.

Worrying about money. 40 and Broke. 40 and Broke. 40 and broken. 40 and worthless. 40 and nobody. 40 and survived. 40 and… ?

Dopamine Fast Day 2

I’m supposed to focus on what I want. I want to focus on what I want. But it’s hard today. It’s hard when you’re depressed.

I should keep moving more.

• I will not check my phone.
• I will not go on social media.
• I will not read news.
• I will not eat sugar.
• I will not eat fast food.
• I will not watch porn.

I will not get high on bullshit, low-value, high-dopamine hits to avoid difficult feelings anymore. I’m doing this for ME. Instead, I’ll do stuff that’s good for me and that will feel good when I don’t baseline myself with those drugs!

And I was successful there yesterday. No random dopamine hits throughout the day.

No mindless scrolling to ease the pain.

No coffee or nicotine! (Non-smoker for over 4 months now!)

Instead,

• I will move my body
• I will eat good food
• I will read good books
• I will exercise my body
• I will meditate
• I will allow difficult emotions
• I will allow difficult conversations
• I will write

And I don’t need to stress out that I’m not yet the productivity-machine reading 3 books every day on day 2 of my dopamine fast. If I can avoid the brain-sugar bullshit, all other productive things will come back one by one.

Maybe I’ve been so hooked on that shit is because my trauma was so big as well. Where others just dipped their toes once in a while, I was fully invested because it gave me relief from my pain.

Interview #2 Preparations

Anyways, the interview is coming up in 25 minutes. I don’t have much more coherent thinking available at the moment. And that’s okay. Just kept writing and got some ideas out of it. I wonder how air conditioning works in the new place on Alexanderplatz Apartment?

Still got 5 minutes left on my tomato timer. What else can I write about that’s relevant and interesting?

How I want to feel

I want to wake up in the morning full of energy and feel tirelessly motivated to live my own life. To work on something that fulfills me and that lets me enjoy success and financial independence. To have a loving relationship with my partner and my family and my friends. To be free of worry about money. To choose experiences because I want them, being certain that all resources like money will be available to me. To be full of energy and focused. To be alert and “there” and flow effortlessly through my day from one activity to the next to a different place, in and out of conversations etc. Free of feeling hurt and sadness. Full of positive, hopeful, optimistic feelings.

After Interview with Dr. Moaz

Super nice, learned a lot. Had fun. I think she enjoyed it as well. Good intuitions on what she said. Good training for my own interviews. Good probing, good memory on what was said. Good notes. Good first impressions. Overall a success! Time flew by, I asked mostly open-ended questions.

Now, I have one hours to spend before the next call. That’ll be at 1:30, then I’ll have a longer break until talking to Jonathan Najarian at 6pm. Feels crazy that the day is already that far ahead. But I slept in until 9am, so…

Idea Regarding “Interviews”

“Start with ONE” - Marketing course that starts with ONE customer that gets interviewed for problems and solutions. Find a really painful problem, then come up with solutions until a paid solution is found and that pain is solved.

1. One Person that I like spending time with
2. One Problem that they seriously struggle with
3. One Solution that they’ll pay for

Use interview to come up with a “Person(a)” like Jonathan Najarian, 30 years old, lives in Boston, works with his girlfriend as wedding-photographer, 2-person team, city-wide booking. Could even be a friend, because it’s about their problem and their solution and not some random idea I’ve come up with. Maybe. This needs to be seen.

Use interview to capture emotionally charged problem description “XYZ fucking sucks, man. If this doesn’t go away, things’ll get fucking ugly.” This can be used directly in sales copy for this one particular person. A sales-letter for ONE that basically recaps the conversation and the idea/offer that was created together.

Use interview to create product/idea/offer in a way that it’s valuable to them and they’re ready to pay for it. Using quotes and the feature-list, build a landing-page (could be email) to presell the service.

BOOM!

Deliver the service as discussed and promised and paid for. Ask for feedback, improvements.

Get testimonial, referrals and introductions.

Scale business system slowly.

“We’re all just walking each other home.” – Ram Dass

Thought: Would any of these notes I’ve been writing be worth/useful to others?

Just thought, I could publish this on a site so that at least What I love about Franziska Krüger and my dad would have an idea of where I’m at…

Where is freeisaverb.com hosted actually?

Requested account deletion on HostGator, BlueHost, Medium, Twitter

Should make my LinkedIn profile private!

Should probably cancel Clickfunnels…

Related

• Daily Journaling
• Regular Journal 23.6.2020
• Abraham Workshop
• Build a Biz in 2 Hours Course

Tags

• #regularjournal
• #iwanttoknowwhatiwant
• #dopaminefast
• #100daychallenge
• #interviews