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Woke up tired, got out of bed at 9. Feeling like shit. Feeling exhausted and incredibly sad. Sat on the couch yesterday all day. No Dopamine-hits, no scrolling etc. I think that’s the right decision. Same today. I have two interviews. The one I did yesterday was the highlight of my day. Other than that, I didn’t do much. I went shopping and cooked chicken. That was good.

For right now I’m glad I went out for a walk through the park. I wish I could cry it all out. I wish I could cry so that this pain and suffering has a place to be. I looked at that tree that reminds me of me. It has a vine plant creeping up and someone other than me cut that vine. And now there’s a skeleton left of that vine and the tree is growing much better now than last year. I identify with the tree and hope I am in the process of cutting my vine off.

I feel slow and sad and heavy. At least allergies are back to a manageable level. This month sucked ass. It was basically 4 weeks of not sleeping because of allergies, becoming aware of how bad my early “work”-experience was and that I’m a survivor. No one really cares even if I tell them. I have to pay too much money that I don’t have. I feel small and hurt and sad and alone and broke and broken.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been Broke so much. I’m just a nobody with nothing of value. I’m just someone you pass on the street, a somebody who serves you dinner. My life has no meaning anymore. Twenty years of living a lie, lying to myself just to survive. That’s what they call a survivor. I haven’t thrived once in the last Twenty years. I’ve been on the edge of failure, ruin, heart-break and death and I managed to never fall off the rails. No wonder I smoked like a chimney. No wonder.

It wasn’t my fault but it still happened to me.

And now I know why nothing ever worked out for me in the last fucking Twenty years. At least I know now. Getting glasses when you’re short-sighted is great because you start seeing the world clearly. It also shows you the stuff that’s wrong and broken or where you suffered. Clarity sheds a light on everything, the good, the bad and the ugly truths. And so, finally, I’ve been in a position to look at the ugly truths in my life. And the ugly people in my life that made my time miserable and maimed me for the rest of my life. What happened was not okay. It was not appropriate. It was completely inappropriate and wrong. It was wrong.

So, for today, what’s my plan?

• Interview #2 with Dr. Moaz [DONE]
• ???
• Interview #3 with Annika [DONE]
• ???
• ???
• ???
• Call with JN at 6pm: Interview
• Head over to What I love about Franziska Krüger’s at 7pm for dinner
• Get an overview of current finances/expenses

I don’t know yet what comes after the interviews. Gotta make sure I write down my first impressions again. That seemed to be valuable to me and the client.

Worrying about money. 40 and Broke. 40 and Broke. 40 and broken. 40 and worthless. 40 and nobody. 40 and survived. 40 and… ?

Dopamine Fast Day 2

I’m supposed to focus on what I want. I want to focus on what I want. But it’s hard today. It’s hard when you’re depressed.

I should keep moving more.

• I will not check my phone.
• I will not go on social media.
• I will not read news.
• I will not eat sugar.
• I will not eat fast food.
• I will not watch porn.

I will not get high on bullshit, low-value, high-dopamine hits to avoid difficult feelings anymore. I’m doing this for ME. Instead, I’ll do stuff that’s good for me and that will feel good when I don’t baseline myself with those drugs!

And I was successful there yesterday. No random dopamine hits throughout the day.

No mindless scrolling to ease the pain.

No coffee or nicotine! (Non-smoker for over 4 months now!)

Instead,

• I will move my body
• I will eat good food
• I will read good books
• I will exercise my body
• I will meditate
• I will allow difficult emotions
• I will allow difficult conversations
• I will write

And I don’t need to stress out that I’m not yet the productivity-machine reading 3 books every day on day 2 of my dopamine fast. If I can avoid the brain-sugar bullshit, all other productive things will come back one by one.

Maybe I’ve been so hooked on that shit is because my trauma was so big as well. Where others just dipped their toes once in a while, I was fully invested because it gave me relief from my pain.

Interview #2 Preparations

Anyways, the interview is coming up in 25 minutes. I don’t have much more coherent thinking available at the moment. And that’s okay. Just kept writing and got some ideas out of it. I wonder how air conditioning works in the new place on Alexanderplatz Apartment?

Still got 5 minutes left on my tomato timer. What else can I write about that’s relevant and interesting?

How I want to feel

I want to wake up in the morning full of energy and feel tirelessly motivated to live my own life. To work on something that fulfills me and that lets me enjoy success and financial independence. To have a loving relationship with my partner and my family and my friends. To be free of worry about money. To choose experiences because I want them, being certain that all resources like money will be available to me. To be full of energy and focused. To be alert and “there” and flow effortlessly through my day from one activity to the next to a different place, in and out of conversations etc. Free of feeling hurt and sadness. Full of positive, hopeful, optimistic feelings.

After Interview with Dr. Moaz

Super nice, learned a lot. Had fun. I think she enjoyed it as well. Good intuitions on what she said. Good training for my own interviews. Good probing, good memory on what was said. Good notes. Good first impressions. Overall a success! Time flew by, I asked mostly open-ended questions.

Now, I have one hours to spend before the next call. That’ll be at 1:30, then I’ll have a longer break until talking to Jonathan Najarian at 6pm. Feels crazy that the day is already that far ahead. But I slept in until 9am, so…

Idea Regarding “Interviews”

“Start with ONE” - Marketing course that starts with ONE customer that gets interviewed for problems and solutions. Find a really painful problem, then come up with solutions until a paid solution is found and that pain is solved.

1. One Person that I like spending time with
2. One Problem that they seriously struggle with
3. One Solution that they’ll pay for

Use interview to come up with a “Person(a)” like Jonathan Najarian, 30 years old, lives in Boston, works with his girlfriend as wedding-photographer, 2-person team, city-wide booking. Could even be a friend, because it’s about their problem and their solution and not some random idea I’ve come up with. Maybe. This needs to be seen.

Use interview to capture emotionally charged problem description “XYZ fucking sucks, man. If this doesn’t go away, things’ll get fucking ugly.” This can be used directly in sales copy for this one particular person. A sales-letter for ONE that basically recaps the conversation and the idea/offer that was created together.

Use interview to create product/idea/offer in a way that it’s valuable to them and they’re ready to pay for it. Using quotes and the feature-list, build a landing-page (could be email) to presell the service.

BOOM!

Deliver the service as discussed and promised and paid for. Ask for feedback, improvements.

Get testimonial, referrals and introductions.

Scale business system slowly.

“We’re all just walking each other home.” – Ram Dass

Thought: Would any of these notes I’ve been writing be worth/useful to others?

Just thought, I could publish this on a site so that at least What I love about Franziska Krüger and my dad would have an idea of where I’m at…

Where is freeisaverb.com hosted actually?

Requested account deletion on HostGator, BlueHost, Medium, Twitter

Should make my LinkedIn profile private!

Should probably cancel Clickfunnels…

Related

• Daily Journaling
• Regular Journal 23.6.2020
• Abraham Workshop
• Build a Biz in 2 Hours Course

Tags

• #regularjournal
• #iwanttoknowwhatiwant
• #dopaminefast
• #100daychallenge
• #interviews

Uff, ja, also heute ging’s nochmal richtig um’s Eingemachte. Und ich bin froh, dass ich gerade die Zeit und den Kopf dafür habe. Ich kann mich relativ fokussiert daran setzen und da irgendwie durch arbeiten. Es muss raus. Es geht hier um MEIN LEBEN. Und erst jetzt, mit Medikament, kann ich erst damit wirklich umgehen. Was ein Glück, dass ich das für mich entdeckt habe. Schreiben scheint ein guter Weg zu sein, das zu verarbeiten. Ich weiss nicht, was da gerade noch besser wäre, aber ich fühle mich wohl hier am Keyboard, in Ruhe. Ich hatte mir gewünscht, dass ich irgendwie schon weiter bin in meinem Leben. Dass ich mich total auf Jobsuche und Beziehung und Wohnung und Spass und Freunde und Berlin konzentrieren kann. Aber ich bin da einfach nicht. Und ich werde da auch erst dann sein, wenn ich das hier heile. Und ich bin so froh, dass mit der Hilfe von Psilocybin und Ritalin ich das Problem erkenne und es aktiv lösen kann, weil ich mich fokussieren kann. Alles, war in meinem Leben in den letzten 20 Jahren los war, war in direktem Bezug auf das Traumatic Experience at Work, das ich momentan bespreche. Es ist irrsinnig krass, was damals passiert ist, wie rücksichtslos mit mir umgegangen wurde. Wie krass, dass es den Tätern nur um Macht und Geld ging und ich die Geschichte vom Weltverbessern geglaubt habe.

Ohne da jetzt wieder einzusteigen: Ich sollte nach dieser Runde etwas leckeres Essen, eine Pause machen und mich auf das konzentrieren, was ich will. Das tut mir wirklich gut und es macht Sinn und wenn ich mich mit dem Scheiss beschäftigen muss, dann ist es immer in Beziehung zu meinem besseren Leben in meiner nahen Zukunft! Diesen Fokus auf die guten Dinge zu halten ist jetzt noch viel wichtiger als jemals zuvor! Denn so kann ich mein Leben zurückgewinnen und meine Stabilität und meinen Selbstwert. Ich bin stolz darauf, hier und jetzt genau diese Arbeit zu machen. Ich bin stolz darauf, denn ich stehe hier und jetzt für mich und mein Leben ein und setze Grenzen und schaffe mir meine Zukunft in der es mir gut geht, in der ich aufblühe, in der ich und mein Leben und meine Arbeit und mein Geld und meine Beziehungen gedeihen. Genau so wie damals, 1999 in New York, und noch viel besser! Und darum geht es. Es geht um mich. Es geht um meine Bedürfnisse. Es geht um mein Leben. Um meine Zeit. Dass es mir wieder gut geht. Dass ich mein Leben lebe. Ich bin stolz, dass ich es bis hier her geschafft habe. Dass ich nicht aufgegeben habe. Dass ich mich nicht umgebracht habe. Dass ich andere so gut es ging vor diesem Problem geschützt habe. Dass ich an mir selbst gearbeitet habe. Dass ich mir selbst zugehört habe, dass ich meinem inneren Klang gefolgt bin auch wenn es schwer war. Dass ich mir selbst Stufen in den Stein gehauen habe um aus dem Loch herauszukommen. Ich finde, ich mache das sehr, sehr gut. Ich finde, dass ich jetzt schon, im Verarbeiten und Heilen dieses Themas einen Riesen Erfolg schaffe. Ich fühle mich jetzt schon besser und größer und stärker und fokussierter als jemals in den letzten 20 Jahren!

Also, daher die abschliessenden Worte…

Das ist die richtige Arbeit, die ich hier mache. Es ist die wichtige Arbeit, die mich dahin führt wo ich es mir wünsche. Es ist ganz schön harte Arbeit, aber ich habe sie gemacht. Es ist härter, nichts zu tun und sein Leben kaputt gehen zu sehen. Daher ist diese Arbeit und diese Zeit und diese Herausforderung die beste Investition in meine Zukunft. In meine Arbeit. In mein Vermächtnis. In den Spass und die Freude, die ich in meinem Leben erleben will. Dieses Thema, diese Befreiung ist die wichtigste Arbeit, die ich in meinem Leben jetzt verrichten kann. Und ich bin unglaublich dankbar, dass ich körperlich und geistig und seelisch dazu jetzt in der Lage bin. Und vielleicht kann ich irgendwann jemand Anderem helfen, sich so zu befreien.

AR

Noch ein weiterer Eintrag für heute…

I did 2 hours of Deep Work – got the funnel ready and even found a good name for the overarching brand: MindSky Academy. Nice! Got the domain, that’s verifying, but once it is, I’ll finalize the Google Suite thing and then head over to mailerlite to verify my account with my fancy alexis@mindskyacademy.com email address. Pretty cool!

I’m happy it’s the end of the week, I’m not that sharp anymore after working every day since Monday but I feel like I’ve pushed myself forward and kept good records of every amount of effort I put in. In total it’s 14 hours of Deep Work (not counting work for C Space) working on my MindSky funnel and products and copy and videos. 14 hours I’ve invested in myself and my future and that worked. I need to eat more throughout the day, that was the only issue I haven’t tackled yet. I’ll try HUEL to make sure I eat something until I have the time to cook a meal.

So yeah, I’m pretty stoked about this week! I bought myself flowers that I put on my desk and that makes it nice to sit here. They have a calming effect and are beautiful to look at. I think they’re enjoying their stay. I hope.

Since I cleaned up my desk last week and continued to remove anything that wasn’t essential from it I like working here much more. It’s the bare necessities I need to work and no distractions. The checklist above the table has also helped tremendously. I don’t yet know how to ensure 100% that I start a timer before I go into work but it’s working. I’m missing 20% maximum of sessions from my timer this week. That happens when I’m just in the zone I think. The little triangle stars I’m using to reward and celebrate are cute. I wish there were more of them. Or different stickers. And those that I don’t know what it’s going to be ahead of time (like a variable reward kind of thing) – I’ll look into that next week. Maybe Modulor is open again or that toy store down the street.

In either case, I feel like I’m developing, rapidly, a way for me to work hard and long and feel good about it. This is a major progress for me from staring into space or sleeping to working and getting things done consistently. I am proud that I’ve found a solution to my problem (Ritalin) and am excited to be ABLE to shape my life the way I want it to.

YES!